Food Guidelines

This afternoon, I am slicing and dicing fruits and veggies for our open house. It has become tradition, since moving to Thornbury, to have the neighbours from our 'court' in for some food and drink one night during the Christmas season. Tonight's the night.

In light of all the food prep that's going on here, I give you a very funny eating guideline to help get you through season of the holiday buffet. Thanks to my friends Jim and Shirl from B.C. who sent it to me. Make sure you read all the way to the bottom to see the 'motto to live by'. Knitters will 'get it' for sure.

HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot

find it any other time of year So drink up! Who cares that it

has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into

an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for

me. Have two. It's later than you think.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of

gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your

mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk

or whole milk.. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports

car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in order to control your eating.

That's the whole point of going to a holiday party is to eat other's people's food for free.

Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New

Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps,

which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of

eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted

cookies in many shapes and sizes, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them

behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin, mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if

you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have

three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labour Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with

the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean,

have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO! What a ride!"

Have a great holiday season!